The Trauma of Porn: Part 6

This is part six of a six part series on pornography, trauma, and intimacy. 

Once the brain has misunderstood what sex should be–a physical expression of a spiritual, mental, and emotional reality of who God is applied within a relationship He created and for which He sets the boundaries–can we do anything to fix it? The short answer is yes. The longer answer is that with time, patience, and community we can begin to heal the brain. What does that look like?

First, we have to do the work mentally. We have to come to a better understanding of how sex is supposed to work. If it’s supposed to be an expression of the emotional intimacy that already exists in a marriage that means taking the time to recognize the ways we have misconstrued sex in our minds. This mental work is the purpose of this series of blog posts.  If we can mentally grasp how we ought to view sex, then we’re better able to make the spiritual, physical, and emotional changes needed to transform how we engage in it. Sex as an expression of the marriage relationship changes not only how we view sex, but it might also force us to change how we view marriage. If you feel you need help in continuing this mental work I strongly encourage you to reach out to a counselor. If you’re in my area I’d be happy to work with you myself, or if not I can refer you to someone in your area.

Secondly, we have to do the work spiritually.  At LifeWorks Resources we offer professional counseling from a biblical perspective. We want to take the very best psychological research that also aligns with a biblical worldview. That double filter means we believe there is an important Gospel element to a healthy sex life as well. We understand we’re fallen, sinful people, and we’ll continue to have to work through the failures of our brains and bodies to respond the way we want them to and also our own selfishness and sinfulness. A crucial element to spiritual intimacy is to apply the Gospel to one another in marriage every day.  

To accept that you’re both sinful people but pretend otherwise is harmful to truly seeing and accepting one another. In Romans 5:6-8 Paul explains “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”* Then in Ephesians 5 Paul paints a clear picture that Christian marriage is to be an example of this love–a love that applies Christ’s work not to a perfect spouse but to a desperate sinner. And this love chooses to see instead the righteousness of Christ.  This takes a great deal of faith, and if you need support in this area I strongly encourage you to seek out a local church and find godly older couples to mentor you. If you’re struggling to find a good church I encourage you to reach out to a counselor in your area to process these things. 

Thirdly, we have to do the work emotionally.  This is another area where therapists can be very helpful, but there are also some great curriculums and resources to help build emotional intimacy in relationships. Here’s a list of some of my top recommendations:

There are literally hundreds of resources I could recommend, but since this is a blog post I have limited them to the ones I can recommend without a lot of caveats. Sadly, many of the books that deal well with intimacy in one category may not deal well with it in another. When it comes to emotional intimacy the goal is that there should be nothing hidden in marriage. That doesn’t mean that every little unkind thought that passes through your head needs to be broadcast, but rather that you can talk openly and honestly with your spouse about how you’re doing.  So much could be said about this, but I’ll have to leave that up to a good therapist in your area.

In dealing with addiction to pornography directly I strongly suggest joining a Celebrate Recovery group in your area, enlisting the help of a therapist, and utilizing the resources at Covenant Eyes, especially their workbook Hobbies and Habits. 

Lastly, we have to do the work physically.  This means being patient with our bodies as they respond in awkward ways to our changing perspective on sex.  People who have sexual trauma or who have become addicted to pornography often experience unwanted sexual urges and/or cravings or a lack of sexual energy or desire. These can cause a lot of shame and awkwardness.  Add to that normal, everyday sexual temptations or health struggles, and it can make for a very frustrating experience.  Aligning sexual desires in a relationship becomes easier when we remember that sex is an expression of intimacy, not the intimacy itself. There are a multitude of ways to express that intimacy sexually without setting unreasonable expectations. It’s impossible to explain all the ways this might show up, so instead I’m just going to suggest that if your body (libido, sexual urges, performance, etc) feels misaligned with your spouse’s, talk to a therapist and your doctor about it. 

There is so much that could be said about these four areas of work, and they don’t always happen in a particular order. Anyone who is married should be working on them all.  If you have questions about how to seek help in these areas or would like further information please reach out to us at lifeworks@lifeworksresources.com. 

Footnotes:

*NIV

The Truama of Porn: Part 5

This is part five of a six part series on pornography, trauma, and intimacy. 

As I’ve talked about in the prior posts in this series, a huge part of my work in counseling both individuals and couples right now is dealing with pornography. Pornography use is one of the most common addictive coping skills that I’ve come across, even among Christians, to deal with negative feelings.  Despite the hurt pornography causes to those who engage in it, and the shame that accompanies porn use, many clients have no idea how to stop the cycle.  Part of the reason is that culturally, often even in churches, we treat sex like a drug. 

Now, obviously, most church-going folks are not going to make the normal cultural recommendations.  Having a tough time? Get laid.  Feeling anxious about your body? Have a one night stand.  Just had a bad break up? Sleep with someone new.  Hopefully, to any believer, these ideas fall outside what we see as biblical.  But we sometimes make other statements that can sound more biblical even though they aren’t.  Having an argument with your wife? Have sex with her.  Struggling with sexual temptation? Have sex with your spouse.  Going through a tough time at work? Invest in your marital sex life.  These things sound biblical to many, but they actually aren’t.  Or at least not in the way they are often talked about.

The problem with these statements is that they assume the purpose of your sexual relationship with your spouse is to change how you feel.  But that is not what biblical sexuality is for.  Biblical sexuality views sex as a way to express love built from the way God loves us.  Sex is a physical expression of a spiritual, mental, and emotional reality of who God is applied within a relationship He created and for which He sets the boundaries.

The command to have sex in marriage found in 1 Corinthians 7 is often misconstrued to be saying that marriage is for those who struggle with sexual temptation and they are to redirect their desire for sinful sexual behavior (outside of marriage) to righteous sexual behavior (inside of marriage).  This has been used to explain why the wife should always be sexually available to her husband in order to protect him from sexual temptation.  The problem with this is that it treats sex as a response to sin—a behavioral shelter from doing the wrong thing.

Marriage was not created to solve the problem of sexual sin because marriage predates sin altogether. Marriage exists to display the communal nature of the character of God.  Sex exists to express that communion within marriage.  The way that marriage prevents sexual sin is not by offering a safe place for sinful desires.  God isn’t saying “oh, you can’t control yourselves? Well here is somewhere you can lose control safely.”  No, what He’s saying is “Well here is a relationship that demands you see sex as an expression of love and unity.”  

Sexual sin and sexual addiction are driven by the very shame and lack of intimacy we see immediately following the Fall.  Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves to cover their nakedness because it suddenly felt wrong to be so open and close to one another. Our hyper-focus on sex as a society (and throughout history) comes from our desperate need for the emotionally intimate connection for which God designed us—the connection out of which sexual expression flows.  We want to change that feeling of isolation and loneliness so we focus on sex—but sex is the expression of the solution not the solution itself.  The solution itself is a deeply emotionally intimate relationship.  In the last post in this series I will give some very practical ways we build emotional intimacy (for both married and single folks) and rewrite the way the brain processes sex. 

 

Footnotes: 

The interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7 was heavily influenced by John Calvin’s commentary (available online here: https://www.ccel.org/ccel/calvin/commentaries.i.html).  The idea that it is a wife’s job to be sexually available to prevent her husband from sexually sinning is ubiquitous in certain circles.  While some who have made these comments would likely argue I have stated their position in an overly harsh way, an article like https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-is-a-spiritual-need/ shows the confusing language from which I draw this explanation.  See specifically these quotes: 

“Paul commanded husbands and wives to be sexually available to each other to avoid temptation. He then encouraged Christians to remain unmarried, unless they have a strong sexual desire. According to Paul, battling sexual temptation is a significant reason for Christians to marry!” 

“Like Mark, your husband depends on you to be his partner in his battle against sexual temptation. Although you aren’t responsible for his actions, you are a key component in his victory. You’re the only woman in the world whom your husband can look at sexually without compromising his integrity!” 

The Trauma of Porn: Part 4

This is part four of a six part series about pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

In the last post I talked about how our brains, especially when exposed to sexual situations before we are ready, can attach brain physiology that should be associated with emotional intimacy and care to shame and sexual behaviors instead. I don’t want it to seem as though I am saying that this process is deterministic or that people whose brains make this shift can’t have good relationships.  What I am saying is that the automatic process of the brain now has to be overridden.  What God designed for our good has been broken and now has to be redeemed. 

God design for sex is that it should flow out of emotional intimacy.  Sex on the wedding night is often referred to as consummating the marriage.  Why?  Because far from being the first step in building a godly marriage, it is actually the last step—the result—of becoming one.  When parents bond with their new babies you might wonder: isn’t that building a bond through physiology first? No, it isn’t if it’s done biblically.  When a married couple have sex as a consummation of their love and the result is a child that child ought to already have the love and commitment of their parents as God is forming them.  The bond created through nursing and care is the result of their love not the cause of it.  

When we get the physiology out of order we end up with a brain that attaches emotional intimacy as a potential result from sex rather than the other way around.  People pick partners based on sexual attraction instead of shared values, trust, and commitment. I often get the question “Shouldn’t I be sexually attracted to someone if I’m going to marry them?”  I think a better question would be “If I’m deeply emotionally trusting and connected with someone who shares my values, why am I not sexually attracted to them?”

As an important aside, this is why there is a level of emotional intimacy that should be reserved for your spouse only.  We’ve all probably heard the old argument from When Harry Met Sally about how men and women can’t be friends.  While it’s a humorous debate in the movie, there is a very deep reality to it as well.  Emotional intimacy will lead to physical attraction.  I often talk with couples about the dangers of emotional affairs.  That isn’t the topic of this series but is an important idea to understand. 

So the person who has been exposed to pornography or other sexual stimuli at a young age is much more likely to seek sexual reinforcement for a sense of overall well-being.  Why? Because God didn’t create us to be alone, He created us for emotional intimacy and community. What happens when this person can’t find emotional intimacy or community that sufficiently meets their need for a physiological sense of well-being? They seek out something that will.  Often this comes in the form of porn or sexual activity.

Sometimes, though, the opposite happens.  Sometimes a person will become actively sexually avoidant due to the shame of being unable to make that connection.  They may have trouble making friends, become isolated, and struggle to engage emotionally at all. Alternatively, they may seek that emotional connection through relationships that don’t pose the same sense of sexual risk.  Certainly not all people in the LGBTQI+ community have experienced sexual trauma, but a large number have and their initial curiosity can be psychologically linked back to shame or safety responses to childhood sexual experiences.*

When someone is operating out of a view of sex that uses it to build a connection we end up with many people who use sex to change how they feel about themselves rather than as an expression of emotionally intimate love.  When sex becomes about us feeling okay instead of an expression of godly love there is no end to the error we can fall into.  In the next post I will talk about how we fix sex when this has been broken. 

 

Footnotes:

*There is actually a large body of evidence to suggest this but here is a literature review where you can find some information.  WARNING, this is a very descriptive article and may be very triggering. https://conflictandhealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13031-020-0254-5 

The Trauma of Porn: Part 3

This is part three of a six part series about pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

In my last post I discussed how trauma can actually cause numerous levels of mental health issues. How heavily it will impact children (or anyone really) is heavily related to their support systems. For example look at war veterans as they try to readjust to society. Having experienced significantly traumatic events while in the service, they are also surrounded by people who tend to normalize those traumatic experiences as a way of dealing with them. For many veterans, when they can no longer ignore or normalize — often due to a change in support system when they leave active duty — they will likely “numb out” using alcohol, drugs, exercise, or work.

For children with sexual trauma this presents itself in a variety of ways.  Often it presents early on as ADHD.  Let me be clear, I am not saying if your child has ADHD they are victims of sexual trauma.  I am saying that there is a growing body of evidence that ADHD may simply be a form of genetic or developed trauma response, and they at least have enough significant overlap in symptoms that can make diagnosis in children complex. Attachment and behavioral concerns are significant as well because the part of the brain that releases bonding hormones has been triggered by something their mind can’t make sense of yet. 

When babies nurse their brains release oxytocin, a bonding chemical that produces a sense of belonging and affection.  Oxytocin also happens to have a lot to do with the reproductive and sexual cycles and functions of the body.  When sexual activity happens, even before puberty, the brain can release oxytocin and create a very confusing feeling for a child.  At once they may feel as though they are bonding, aroused, and happy while also feeling scared, confused, powerless, and ashamed.  

If they are quickly made to feel safe and reassured (as discussed in the last post) the traumatic effect will likely be brief.  If not, it will reinforce a sense of danger related to those hormonal releases either that they are unsafe and shameful or overwhelming and shameful.  Shame then begins to produce emotional separation.  There is a very real representation of Adam and Eve after the Fall in the way trauma changes our emotional intimacy.  Whereas before, assuming healthy bonds with their parents thus far, children feel close and understood–afterwards they may feel distant, misunderstood, or unworthy of the same prior connection. They now have proverbial fig leaves preventing them from reaching true emotional intimacy.

Once oxytocin and other pleasure/bonding hormones have been divided from emotional intimacy it is very hard to rebuild that bridge physiologically and psychologically. There is a very real sense in which addiction to pornography is less of a sexual issue than it is a community issue.  Without the normal brain processes to create meaningful emotional bonds and build emotional intimacy the porn addicted brain is always seeking a release that the brain should get from relationships but instead finds in sexual images and stimulation.  The porn addict becomes more emotionally isolated because it cannot seem to make the connections it needs as easily without sex.

In my next post I’ll talk about how this can play out in a person’s relationships and views of the opposite sex. 

 

Footnotes:

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1521-0391.2011.00126.x

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-trauma-overview-signs-symptoms/ One thing to note about this particular article is that it fails to consider that PTSD is heritable and thus ADHD could potentially be a heritable form of PTSD.  More research needs to be done.

https://www.yourhormones.info/hormones/oxytocin/

 

The Truama of Porn: Part 2

This is part two of a six part series on pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

To really explain how trauma has had a profound impact on sex we will have to dive a bit deeper into what trauma is.  In my last post I explained how trauma changes the way the brain works, and in this post I’m going to explain a bit about how that can turn into a mental health problem. 

One of the biggest questions people ask in therapy regards diagnosis. It’s easier to get your head around something that has a name and can be defined. Psychologists often use the old saying “If you can’t define it, you can’t measure it.” If you can’t define what the problem is then you can’t measure whether or not your client is improving. There is one small problem with that method of thinking—what happens when someone’s struggle doesn’t fit the mold? How do we understand the impact that trauma has on sex and sexuality when we don’t really understand all the shapes that trauma takes?

I often come across the misconception that everyone with trauma either has PTSD or doesn’t actually have trauma.  But what about people who don’t fully meet the criteria for PTSD, but clearly meet part of it and it is clearly caused by a traumatic experience? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used for diagnosis does account for this to some extent. In the section on trauma related disorders it offers several disorders other than PTSD that can be used to define a set of symptoms related to trauma or stress when someone does not meet all the criteria for PTSD. The struggle with this is that in the common vernacular PTSD is equivalent to having trauma.   

The reality is much different. When we consider that the most common diagnosis for people who seek mental health treatment is an Adjustment Disorder, which is classified as a trauma-related disorder and accounts for about 50% of all inpatient psychiatric diagnoses, then we begin to get a better picture. The reality is that most people are probably struggling with some form of trauma reaction and how their support systems have responded has likely played a major role in how healthily they have dealt with it.  

The way a person’s support system, for instance the parent of a child, responds to a person’s traumatic experience will directly impact his or her perception of the event. In the case of pornography exposure (or other sexual exposure by another minor) among children there is often either minimization or correction.  

Minimization is when parents do not express sufficient concern regarding the event (for any number of reasons), and the children internalize that they are overreacting to what happened.  These children will then attempt to reinterpret the physiological processes as normal and their psychological responses as abnormal.  If instead there is correction or discipline (for any number of reasons) the child internalizes that they are reacting correctly to something that is their fault. The child will likely reinterpret their physiological process as abnormal and their psychological response as normal.

If parents respond by normalizing both the physiological and psychological processes and the responses then the child can respect that what they felt was normal but that it was also harmful.  The parents can then discuss whether their minds and bodies are ready for those experiences.  A script for pornography exposure might look something like: “It is very normal for people to be curious about these things, but at your age your mind and body are not ready for them. It’s my job to protect you until you are older and I’m very glad you told me (or I found out) because it will help me do my job better. I’m really sorry that this happened before you were ready, and if you have any questions I will do my best to answer them honestly.”  

When this process doesn’t happen in a healthy way it induces a shame-based view of sex that tends to drive people either towards a shameful or shameless treatment of sexual experiences.  In the next post I’ll talk about the specific ways this impacts children as they try to connect emotionally to those around them. 

 

Footnotes:

*DSM-5, page 265ff: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder, Acute Stress Disorder, Adjustment Disorder, Specified Specific Trauma or Stress Disorder, and Trauma of Stress Disorder Unspecified.   All the information I discuss in this post can actually be found with further bibliography and footnoting in the DSM-5.  

The Truama of Porn: Part 1

This is part one of a six part series on pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

The brain is a fascinating organ and in many ways we know so very little about it. In my time working as a therapist I have studied a large amount of research regarding the brain and its functions because of the obvious connection to my work.  Trauma and its effect on the brain is one of the more interesting subjects I’ve explored and it has been a regular part of my work. 

What is interesting about trauma is how it directly impacts brain function. Three of the most common and directly studiable things that happen when someone has been traumatized are:

  1. The amygdala becomes overstimulated which causes the brain to be in a regular (or sometimes constant) state of awareness as it looks for signs of danger (referred to as hyper-awareness). 
  2.  At the same time the hippocampus is underactive, meaning that it is not coding memories of painful experiences into the past tense or contextualizing them.
  3. This means that the brain is looking for patterns that are connected with danger but it is unable to distinguish what in those patterns is essential to the danger and what is simply incidental.  This means that the sympathetic nervous system is triggered even when the situation is not actually dangerous.  

So the brain of someone with trauma experiences something that is related to a traumatic memory and is unable to distinguish it from danger so it fires up the fight/flight/freeze portion of the brain and goes into survival mode. This can be any number of things, such as a smell or sound, that starts the brain’s process.  The brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, is unable to calm itself down once the process is fully underway regardless of how logically the person might be thinking in the moment. 

The four types of symptoms that let a therapist know that someone who has experienced a traumatic event has developed Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are “intrusive thoughts (unwanted memories); mood alterations (shame, blame, persistent negativity); hypervigilance (exaggerated startle response); and avoidance (of all sensory and emotional trauma-related material).”* This can result in insomnia or depression but it can also result in seemingly random outbursts of rage or an unexplained drive for dangerous or unhealthy behaviors. 

There are several ways therapists treat these experiences, but they all have one theme in common–the goal is to help the brain properly encode the memories so that it can differentiate between danger and stimuli that are not directly connected to danger. One of the difficulties of sexual trauma is that those stimuli are tied to sexual experiences that may not have been viewed as negative or exploitative when they happened. 

For instance, child sexual abuse in which a child believes they were consensual may not result in the same form of trauma response as that of a child that felt powerless at the time. The feelings at the time will impact to some extent how the trauma reactions are processed. A child may attach shame or guilt to sexual activity but also crave it if the experience causes the release of pleasure or bonding hormones (serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine).  

This can be further complicated because a child’s brain is still developing impulse control and this can hamper impulse control related to activities that produce pleasure because the brain can attach the memory of danger or pain to release of pleasure hormones.  Add to that how they may feel due to moral, spiritual, or cultural beliefs and you have a very complex situation. This makes it much harder for the brain to distinguish poor impulse control from potential consequences as the pain or shame becomes a part of the pleasure experience. 

This is why I argue that kids exposed to pornography are actually victims of sexual truama.  They are exposed to sexual stimuli before they are old enough to consent. Their brains are not developed enough to process the information logically or encode the memory properly even though their brains will often still react by releasing chemicals associated with sexual pleasure.  Because their brains are unable to make sense of the chemicals they are experiencing it will trigger their sympathetic system inducing a trauma connection.  How they are then taught about sex will effectively train their brain to treat that experience as something to be talked about and processed or hidden and covered in shame.  This will have a lasting impact on how they view and experience sex as they grow up and become adults. 

Based on a survey of 560 colleges done more than a decade ago, 93% of boys and 62% of girls were first exposed to pornography before the age of 18.  Other surveys have those numbers as high as 97% and 80% respectively.  Even if we take the lowest threshold of consent for sexual activity in the US, which is 16, studies in 2019 found that 66% of 15 year olds have seen pornography.  This means that the vast majority of people in the US are victims of sexual trauma, and that is before we consider the rates of sexual assault and child sex abuse. I would argue it has had a profound impact on sexuality—which I’ll discuss in my next post.

 

Footnotes:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/

*https://www.bostontrials.com/how-trauma-changes-the-brain/

https://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/box/part1_ch3.box16/