This is part six of a six part series on pornography, trauma, and intimacy. 

Once the brain has misunderstood what sex should be–a physical expression of a spiritual, mental, and emotional reality of who God is applied within a relationship He created and for which He sets the boundaries–can we do anything to fix it? The short answer is yes. The longer answer is that with time, patience, and community we can begin to heal the brain. What does that look like?

First, we have to do the work mentally. We have to come to a better understanding of how sex is supposed to work. If it’s supposed to be an expression of the emotional intimacy that already exists in a marriage that means taking the time to recognize the ways we have misconstrued sex in our minds. This mental work is the purpose of this series of blog posts.  If we can mentally grasp how we ought to view sex, then we’re better able to make the spiritual, physical, and emotional changes needed to transform how we engage in it. Sex as an expression of the marriage relationship changes not only how we view sex, but it might also force us to change how we view marriage. If you feel you need help in continuing this mental work I strongly encourage you to reach out to a counselor. If you’re in my area I’d be happy to work with you myself, or if not I can refer you to someone in your area.

Secondly, we have to do the work spiritually.  At LifeWorks Resources we offer professional counseling from a biblical perspective. We want to take the very best psychological research that also aligns with a biblical worldview. That double filter means we believe there is an important Gospel element to a healthy sex life as well. We understand we’re fallen, sinful people, and we’ll continue to have to work through the failures of our brains and bodies to respond the way we want them to and also our own selfishness and sinfulness. A crucial element to spiritual intimacy is to apply the Gospel to one another in marriage every day.  

To accept that you’re both sinful people but pretend otherwise is harmful to truly seeing and accepting one another. In Romans 5:6-8 Paul explains “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”* Then in Ephesians 5 Paul paints a clear picture that Christian marriage is to be an example of this love–a love that applies Christ’s work not to a perfect spouse but to a desperate sinner. And this love chooses to see instead the righteousness of Christ.  This takes a great deal of faith, and if you need support in this area I strongly encourage you to seek out a local church and find godly older couples to mentor you. If you’re struggling to find a good church I encourage you to reach out to a counselor in your area to process these things. 

Thirdly, we have to do the work emotionally.  This is another area where therapists can be very helpful, but there are also some great curriculums and resources to help build emotional intimacy in relationships. Here’s a list of some of my top recommendations:

• The Gottman Institute: 30 Days To A Better Relationship
• Cloud and Townsend’s excellent book Boundaries
• Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages Resources

There are literally hundreds of resources I could recommend, but since this is a blog post I have limited them to the ones I can recommend without a lot of caveats. Sadly, many of the books that deal well with intimacy in one category may not deal well with it in another. When it comes to emotional intimacy the goal is that there should be nothing hidden in marriage. That doesn’t mean that every little unkind thought that passes through your head needs to be broadcast, but rather that you can talk openly and honestly with your spouse about how you’re doing.  So much could be said about this, but I’ll have to leave that up to a good therapist in your area.

In dealing with addiction to pornography directly I strongly suggest joining a Celebrate Recovery group in your area, enlisting the help of a therapist, and utilizing the resources at Covenant Eyes, especially their workbook Hobbies and Habits. 

Lastly, we have to do the work physically.  This means being patient with our bodies as they respond in awkward ways to our changing perspective on sex.  People who have sexual trauma or who have become addicted to pornography often experience unwanted sexual urges and/or cravings or a lack of sexual energy or desire. These can cause a lot of shame and awkwardness.  Add to that normal, everyday sexual temptations or health struggles, and it can make for a very frustrating experience.  Aligning sexual desires in a relationship becomes easier when we remember that sex is an expression of intimacy, not the intimacy itself. There are a multitude of ways to express that intimacy sexually without setting unreasonable expectations. It’s impossible to explain all the ways this might show up, so instead I’m just going to suggest that if your body (libido, sexual urges, performance, etc) feels misaligned with your spouse’s, talk to a therapist and your doctor about it. 

There is so much that could be said about these four areas of work, and they don’t always happen in a particular order. Anyone who is married should be working on them all.  If you have questions about how to seek help in these areas or would like further information please reach out to us at lifeworks@lifeworksresources.com. 

Footnotes:

*NIV

This is part five of a six part series on pornography, trauma, and intimacy. 

As I’ve talked about in the prior posts in this series, a huge part of my work in counseling both individuals and couples right now is dealing with pornography. Pornography use is one of the most common addictive coping skills that I’ve come across, even among Christians, to deal with negative feelings.  Despite the hurt pornography causes to those who engage in it, and the shame that accompanies porn use, many clients have no idea how to stop the cycle.  Part of the reason is that culturally, often even in churches, we treat sex like a drug. 

Now, obviously, most church-going folks are not going to make the normal cultural recommendations.  Having a tough time? Get laid.  Feeling anxious about your body? Have a one night stand.  Just had a bad break up? Sleep with someone new.  Hopefully, to any believer, these ideas fall outside what we see as biblical.  But we sometimes make other statements that can sound more biblical even though they aren’t.  Having an argument with your wife? Have sex with her.  Struggling with sexual temptation? Have sex with your spouse.  Going through a tough time at work? Invest in your marital sex life.  These things sound biblical to many, but they actually aren’t.  Or at least not in the way they are often talked about.

The problem with these statements is that they assume the purpose of your sexual relationship with your spouse is to change how you feel.  But that is not what biblical sexuality is for.  Biblical sexuality views sex as a way to express love built from the way God loves us.  Sex is a physical expression of a spiritual, mental, and emotional reality of who God is applied within a relationship He created and for which He sets the boundaries.

The command to have sex in marriage found in 1 Corinthians 7 is often misconstrued to be saying that marriage is for those who struggle with sexual temptation and they are to redirect their desire for sinful sexual behavior (outside of marriage) to righteous sexual behavior (inside of marriage).  This has been used to explain why the wife should always be sexually available to her husband in order to protect him from sexual temptation.  The problem with this is that it treats sex as a response to sin—a behavioral shelter from doing the wrong thing.

Marriage was not created to solve the problem of sexual sin because marriage predates sin altogether. Marriage exists to display the communal nature of the character of God.  Sex exists to express that communion within marriage.  The way that marriage prevents sexual sin is not by offering a safe place for sinful desires.  God isn’t saying “oh, you can’t control yourselves? Well here is somewhere you can lose control safely.”  No, what He’s saying is “Well here is a relationship that demands you see sex as an expression of love and unity.”  

Sexual sin and sexual addiction are driven by the very shame and lack of intimacy we see immediately following the Fall.  Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves to cover their nakedness because it suddenly felt wrong to be so open and close to one another. Our hyper-focus on sex as a society (and throughout history) comes from our desperate need for the emotionally intimate connection for which God designed us—the connection out of which sexual expression flows.  We want to change that feeling of isolation and loneliness so we focus on sex—but sex is the expression of the solution not the solution itself.  The solution itself is a deeply emotionally intimate relationship.  In the last post in this series I will give some very practical ways we build emotional intimacy (for both married and single folks) and rewrite the way the brain processes sex. 

Footnotes: 

The interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7 was heavily influenced by John Calvin’s commentary (available online here: https://www.ccel.org/ccel/calvin/commentaries.i.html).  The idea that it is a wife’s job to be sexually available to prevent her husband from sexually sinning is ubiquitous in certain circles.  While some who have made these comments would likely argue I have stated their position in an overly harsh way, an article like https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-is-a-spiritual-need/ shows the confusing language from which I draw this explanation.  See specifically these quotes: 

“Paul commanded husbands and wives to be sexually available to each other to avoid temptation. He then encouraged Christians to remain unmarried, unless they have a strong sexual desire. According to Paul, battling sexual temptation is a significant reason for Christians to marry!” 

“Like Mark, your husband depends on you to be his partner in his battle against sexual temptation. Although you aren’t responsible for his actions, you are a key component in his victory. You’re the only woman in the world whom your husband can look at sexually without compromising his integrity!”