The Trauma of Porn: Part 4

This is part four of a six part series about pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

In the last post I talked about how our brains, especially when exposed to sexual situations before we are ready, can attach brain physiology that should be associated with emotional intimacy and care to shame and sexual behaviors instead. I don’t want it to seem as though I am saying that this process is deterministic or that people whose brains make this shift can’t have good relationships.  What I am saying is that the automatic process of the brain now has to be overridden.  What God designed for our good has been broken and now has to be redeemed. 

God design for sex is that it should flow out of emotional intimacy.  Sex on the wedding night is often referred to as consummating the marriage.  Why?  Because far from being the first step in building a godly marriage, it is actually the last step—the result—of becoming one.  When parents bond with their new babies you might wonder: isn’t that building a bond through physiology first? No, it isn’t if it’s done biblically.  When a married couple have sex as a consummation of their love and the result is a child that child ought to already have the love and commitment of their parents as God is forming them.  The bond created through nursing and care is the result of their love not the cause of it.  

When we get the physiology out of order we end up with a brain that attaches emotional intimacy as a potential result from sex rather than the other way around.  People pick partners based on sexual attraction instead of shared values, trust, and commitment. I often get the question “Shouldn’t I be sexually attracted to someone if I’m going to marry them?”  I think a better question would be “If I’m deeply emotionally trusting and connected with someone who shares my values, why am I not sexually attracted to them?”

As an important aside, this is why there is a level of emotional intimacy that should be reserved for your spouse only.  We’ve all probably heard the old argument from When Harry Met Sally about how men and women can’t be friends.  While it’s a humorous debate in the movie, there is a very deep reality to it as well.  Emotional intimacy will lead to physical attraction.  I often talk with couples about the dangers of emotional affairs.  That isn’t the topic of this series but is an important idea to understand. 

So the person who has been exposed to pornography or other sexual stimuli at a young age is much more likely to seek sexual reinforcement for a sense of overall well-being.  Why? Because God didn’t create us to be alone, He created us for emotional intimacy and community. What happens when this person can’t find emotional intimacy or community that sufficiently meets their need for a physiological sense of well-being? They seek out something that will.  Often this comes in the form of porn or sexual activity.

Sometimes, though, the opposite happens.  Sometimes a person will become actively sexually avoidant due to the shame of being unable to make that connection.  They may have trouble making friends, become isolated, and struggle to engage emotionally at all. Alternatively, they may seek that emotional connection through relationships that don’t pose the same sense of sexual risk.  Certainly not all people in the LGBTQI+ community have experienced sexual trauma, but a large number have and their initial curiosity can be psychologically linked back to shame or safety responses to childhood sexual experiences.*

When someone is operating out of a view of sex that uses it to build a connection we end up with many people who use sex to change how they feel about themselves rather than as an expression of emotionally intimate love.  When sex becomes about us feeling okay instead of an expression of godly love there is no end to the error we can fall into.  In the next post I will talk about how we fix sex when this has been broken. 

 

Footnotes:

*There is actually a large body of evidence to suggest this but here is a literature review where you can find some information.  WARNING, this is a very descriptive article and may be very triggering. https://conflictandhealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13031-020-0254-5 

The Trauma of Porn: Part 3

This is part three of a six part series about pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

In my last post I discussed how trauma can actually cause numerous levels of mental health issues. How heavily it will impact children (or anyone really) is heavily related to their support systems. For example look at war veterans as they try to readjust to society. Having experienced significantly traumatic events while in the service, they are also surrounded by people who tend to normalize those traumatic experiences as a way of dealing with them. For many veterans, when they can no longer ignore or normalize — often due to a change in support system when they leave active duty — they will likely “numb out” using alcohol, drugs, exercise, or work.

For children with sexual trauma this presents itself in a variety of ways.  Often it presents early on as ADHD.  Let me be clear, I am not saying if your child has ADHD they are victims of sexual trauma.  I am saying that there is a growing body of evidence that ADHD may simply be a form of genetic or developed trauma response, and they at least have enough significant overlap in symptoms that can make diagnosis in children complex. Attachment and behavioral concerns are significant as well because the part of the brain that releases bonding hormones has been triggered by something their mind can’t make sense of yet. 

When babies nurse their brains release oxytocin, a bonding chemical that produces a sense of belonging and affection.  Oxytocin also happens to have a lot to do with the reproductive and sexual cycles and functions of the body.  When sexual activity happens, even before puberty, the brain can release oxytocin and create a very confusing feeling for a child.  At once they may feel as though they are bonding, aroused, and happy while also feeling scared, confused, powerless, and ashamed.  

If they are quickly made to feel safe and reassured (as discussed in the last post) the traumatic effect will likely be brief.  If not, it will reinforce a sense of danger related to those hormonal releases either that they are unsafe and shameful or overwhelming and shameful.  Shame then begins to produce emotional separation.  There is a very real representation of Adam and Eve after the Fall in the way trauma changes our emotional intimacy.  Whereas before, assuming healthy bonds with their parents thus far, children feel close and understood–afterwards they may feel distant, misunderstood, or unworthy of the same prior connection. They now have proverbial fig leaves preventing them from reaching true emotional intimacy.

Once oxytocin and other pleasure/bonding hormones have been divided from emotional intimacy it is very hard to rebuild that bridge physiologically and psychologically. There is a very real sense in which addiction to pornography is less of a sexual issue than it is a community issue.  Without the normal brain processes to create meaningful emotional bonds and build emotional intimacy the porn addicted brain is always seeking a release that the brain should get from relationships but instead finds in sexual images and stimulation.  The porn addict becomes more emotionally isolated because it cannot seem to make the connections it needs as easily without sex.

In my next post I’ll talk about how this can play out in a person’s relationships and views of the opposite sex. 

 

Footnotes:

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1521-0391.2011.00126.x

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-trauma-overview-signs-symptoms/ One thing to note about this particular article is that it fails to consider that PTSD is heritable and thus ADHD could potentially be a heritable form of PTSD.  More research needs to be done.

https://www.yourhormones.info/hormones/oxytocin/

 

The Truama of Porn: Part 2

This is part two of a six part series on pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

To really explain how trauma has had a profound impact on sex we will have to dive a bit deeper into what trauma is.  In my last post I explained how trauma changes the way the brain works, and in this post I’m going to explain a bit about how that can turn into a mental health problem. 

One of the biggest questions people ask in therapy regards diagnosis. It’s easier to get your head around something that has a name and can be defined. Psychologists often use the old saying “If you can’t define it, you can’t measure it.” If you can’t define what the problem is then you can’t measure whether or not your client is improving. There is one small problem with that method of thinking—what happens when someone’s struggle doesn’t fit the mold? How do we understand the impact that trauma has on sex and sexuality when we don’t really understand all the shapes that trauma takes?

I often come across the misconception that everyone with trauma either has PTSD or doesn’t actually have trauma.  But what about people who don’t fully meet the criteria for PTSD, but clearly meet part of it and it is clearly caused by a traumatic experience? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used for diagnosis does account for this to some extent. In the section on trauma related disorders it offers several disorders other than PTSD that can be used to define a set of symptoms related to trauma or stress when someone does not meet all the criteria for PTSD. The struggle with this is that in the common vernacular PTSD is equivalent to having trauma.   

The reality is much different. When we consider that the most common diagnosis for people who seek mental health treatment is an Adjustment Disorder, which is classified as a trauma-related disorder and accounts for about 50% of all inpatient psychiatric diagnoses, then we begin to get a better picture. The reality is that most people are probably struggling with some form of trauma reaction and how their support systems have responded has likely played a major role in how healthily they have dealt with it.  

The way a person’s support system, for instance the parent of a child, responds to a person’s traumatic experience will directly impact his or her perception of the event. In the case of pornography exposure (or other sexual exposure by another minor) among children there is often either minimization or correction.  

Minimization is when parents do not express sufficient concern regarding the event (for any number of reasons), and the children internalize that they are overreacting to what happened.  These children will then attempt to reinterpret the physiological processes as normal and their psychological responses as abnormal.  If instead there is correction or discipline (for any number of reasons) the child internalizes that they are reacting correctly to something that is their fault. The child will likely reinterpret their physiological process as abnormal and their psychological response as normal.

If parents respond by normalizing both the physiological and psychological processes and the responses then the child can respect that what they felt was normal but that it was also harmful.  The parents can then discuss whether their minds and bodies are ready for those experiences.  A script for pornography exposure might look something like: “It is very normal for people to be curious about these things, but at your age your mind and body are not ready for them. It’s my job to protect you until you are older and I’m very glad you told me (or I found out) because it will help me do my job better. I’m really sorry that this happened before you were ready, and if you have any questions I will do my best to answer them honestly.”  

When this process doesn’t happen in a healthy way it induces a shame-based view of sex that tends to drive people either towards a shameful or shameless treatment of sexual experiences.  In the next post I’ll talk about the specific ways this impacts children as they try to connect emotionally to those around them. 

 

Footnotes:

*DSM-5, page 265ff: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder, Acute Stress Disorder, Adjustment Disorder, Specified Specific Trauma or Stress Disorder, and Trauma of Stress Disorder Unspecified.   All the information I discuss in this post can actually be found with further bibliography and footnoting in the DSM-5.  

The Truama of Porn: Part 1

This is part one of a six part series on pornography, truama, and healing intimacy.

The brain is a fascinating organ and in many ways we know so very little about it. In my time working as a therapist I have studied a large amount of research regarding the brain and its functions because of the obvious connection to my work.  Trauma and its effect on the brain is one of the more interesting subjects I’ve explored and it has been a regular part of my work. 

What is interesting about trauma is how it directly impacts brain function. Three of the most common and directly studiable things that happen when someone has been traumatized are:

  1. The amygdala becomes overstimulated which causes the brain to be in a regular (or sometimes constant) state of awareness as it looks for signs of danger (referred to as hyper-awareness). 
  2.  At the same time the hippocampus is underactive, meaning that it is not coding memories of painful experiences into the past tense or contextualizing them.
  3. This means that the brain is looking for patterns that are connected with danger but it is unable to distinguish what in those patterns is essential to the danger and what is simply incidental.  This means that the sympathetic nervous system is triggered even when the situation is not actually dangerous.  

So the brain of someone with trauma experiences something that is related to a traumatic memory and is unable to distinguish it from danger so it fires up the fight/flight/freeze portion of the brain and goes into survival mode. This can be any number of things, such as a smell or sound, that starts the brain’s process.  The brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, is unable to calm itself down once the process is fully underway regardless of how logically the person might be thinking in the moment. 

The four types of symptoms that let a therapist know that someone who has experienced a traumatic event has developed Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are “intrusive thoughts (unwanted memories); mood alterations (shame, blame, persistent negativity); hypervigilance (exaggerated startle response); and avoidance (of all sensory and emotional trauma-related material).”* This can result in insomnia or depression but it can also result in seemingly random outbursts of rage or an unexplained drive for dangerous or unhealthy behaviors. 

There are several ways therapists treat these experiences, but they all have one theme in common–the goal is to help the brain properly encode the memories so that it can differentiate between danger and stimuli that are not directly connected to danger. One of the difficulties of sexual trauma is that those stimuli are tied to sexual experiences that may not have been viewed as negative or exploitative when they happened. 

For instance, child sexual abuse in which a child believes they were consensual may not result in the same form of trauma response as that of a child that felt powerless at the time. The feelings at the time will impact to some extent how the trauma reactions are processed. A child may attach shame or guilt to sexual activity but also crave it if the experience causes the release of pleasure or bonding hormones (serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine).  

This can be further complicated because a child’s brain is still developing impulse control and this can hamper impulse control related to activities that produce pleasure because the brain can attach the memory of danger or pain to release of pleasure hormones.  Add to that how they may feel due to moral, spiritual, or cultural beliefs and you have a very complex situation. This makes it much harder for the brain to distinguish poor impulse control from potential consequences as the pain or shame becomes a part of the pleasure experience. 

This is why I argue that kids exposed to pornography are actually victims of sexual truama.  They are exposed to sexual stimuli before they are old enough to consent. Their brains are not developed enough to process the information logically or encode the memory properly even though their brains will often still react by releasing chemicals associated with sexual pleasure.  Because their brains are unable to make sense of the chemicals they are experiencing it will trigger their sympathetic system inducing a trauma connection.  How they are then taught about sex will effectively train their brain to treat that experience as something to be talked about and processed or hidden and covered in shame.  This will have a lasting impact on how they view and experience sex as they grow up and become adults. 

Based on a survey of 560 colleges done more than a decade ago, 93% of boys and 62% of girls were first exposed to pornography before the age of 18.  Other surveys have those numbers as high as 97% and 80% respectively.  Even if we take the lowest threshold of consent for sexual activity in the US, which is 16, studies in 2019 found that 66% of 15 year olds have seen pornography.  This means that the vast majority of people in the US are victims of sexual trauma, and that is before we consider the rates of sexual assault and child sex abuse. I would argue it has had a profound impact on sexuality—which I’ll discuss in my next post.

 

Footnotes:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/

*https://www.bostontrials.com/how-trauma-changes-the-brain/

https://enough.org/stats-youth-and-porn

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/box/part1_ch3.box16/

The Road Ahead and the Past Behind

Have you ever thought about the function and benefit of a rearview mirror? There have been many times when I was driving and I glanced up to look at the rearview mirror only to find that there was a car there that I did not know had creeped up on me. Sometimes I’m startled by this realization and sometimes I’ve totally expected it. Either way it was good to know. A couple of times I’ve come to a stop light and as I was slowing down I noticed in the rearview mirror that the person behind me wasn’t breaking quickly enough. In order to avoid getting hit I pulled onto the shoulder to give the person behind me more room. However, as beneficial as it can be, I’ve also caught myself staring too long and next thing I know I’ve swerved into the other lane or onto the shoulder. Not good!

Our lives can kind of be like this too. While it’s good to take a look at our past we need to keep it in proper perspective. In order to move forward safely we have to keep our eyes on the road ahead. Sure, take a look into the rearview mirror and quickly evaluate your past but don’t stare too long. When we have the wrong focus we can get caught up staring into the past and wind up overcome by guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety and next thing you know you’ve driven off course. Also, don’t ignore what you see but evaluate it and make adjustments as needed. Just like when someone’s coming up behind me too fast and I need to make a move to keep from getting hit, evaluating your past can help you make an adjustment but you have to evaluate and turn your eyes back to the road ahead.

Wishing you safe travels as you glance to the rearview mirror but keep your focus on the road ahead.

Let Go or Redeem?

Sometimes when a client has negative thoughts and emotions aimed at an individual in their life, therapists will have the person write a letter to that individual. Often this is done not with the intent of sending the letter to the other person but rather as a way of expressing their thoughts and feelings and then destroying the letter. Sometimes the letter is burned or shredded and symbolizes the “letting go” of those negative thoughts and emotions. This is certainly not a new technique and can be useful when the targeted person has passed away or there is no benefit seen in confronting the person. It is helpful in the later when the client is coming to terms with the fact that they cannot change the other person or there is not a healthy way to facilitate the confrontation. Letting go of those negative emotions and thoughts can provide relief for the individual and can be a powerful symbolic representation.

However, there is another aspect that is may be overlooked in this process: allowing God to redeem those thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Scripture points to God redeeming our life. God wants to redeem our story so that our life brings glory to Him. By letting go of our negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences without giving God the opportunity to redeem our story, falls short of the best of what God wants for our clients.

So here’s what we do. Have the person write the letter or their story but before destroying it, symbolizing letting go, go through it with the person asking how can God redeem this part of their story. By going through the letter in this way, the client gets the opportunity to explore the lessons learned about God, His purpose, His strength, how He provided perseverance, forgiveness, restoration, peace and many many more ways that God may redeem their story. Once this process has been done then go through the process of “letting go” but instead of just letting go of the whole story they are letting go of the negative aspects while still seeing God’s redemptive story in their life.

Obviously the client will need the wise counsel of their therapist to help process through and learn to see things from God’s perspective rather than only looking at their story from their own woundedness.

Feel free to let us know your thoughts about this and how you may use it in your practice. Here’s some verses to look at (although there are many more that point to God redeeming our lives):

Psalm 103: 1-5

Psalm 107: 1-3

Psalm 119: 153-154

Lamentations 3: 58

 

Emotions

Having trouble controlling your emotions?  Don’t worry it’s more common than you think.  Take some time to evaluate what you believe and think about situations.  This may help you gain a different perspective.  Check this out:

 

EVENT===> BELIEFS ===> THOUGHTS ===> FEELINGS ===> ACTIONS

Two Definitions:

Subjective Opinion

Something must be wrong because he did not answer his phone.

Objective Reality

He did not answer his phone. I do not know why.

 

How emotion is created:

  1. An external event happens
  2. We develop perceptions about the event based on our beliefs:
    1. How we see the world (Our Worldview)
      1. Where did we come from?
      2. What has gone wrong with the world?
      3. What is the solution?
  3. We have thoughts based on the beliefs about the event.
  4. We feel emotion based on the thoughts we have.
  5. We behave – some action or response on our part.

Example 1a:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. People should be nice
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “That person is a jerk!”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Anger
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Yelling at the other driver

Example 1b:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. People should be nice
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “We could have crashed!”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Fear
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Crying

Example 1c:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. We live in a sinful world. People are sinful.
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “I hope they had a reason for being in a hurry.”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Calm
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Continue driving

Notice that there are hundreds of possible variations to this scenario.  All of these variations center around beliefs and thoughts.  The key is to examine your beliefs and thoughts about objective reality.  The New Living Translation 1 Corinthians 13:12 reads: “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” Remember that we do not see things well and we must examine our perceptions about reality.

Serenity Prayer – Full Length

Many people have heard of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

But did you know that is only part of it? The full version is:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

The reality is that life is not about us and our circumstances.  It is all about Jesus; who he is and what he did!  The world is not what we want it to be because of our sinful nature.  We have to accept that nothing will change the heart other than Jesus.

 

 

Resolving Marital Conflict

argument-238529_640Married couples fight.  The real question is how well do you argue? Not, can you win the argument but rather how well do the two of you resolve your arguments?  This is a common question and often a problem area for many couples.  So here are some tips:

 

The following are some general guidelines to keep in mind:

  1. You are a sinner.
    1. This means that you bring assumptions and viewpoints into the conflict.
    2. This means that you struggle to see things clearly. (Read 1 Corinthians 13:12)
  2. You married a sinner.
    1. They bring the same things above to the conflict.
  3. Try to empathetic.
    1. This means making an attempt to understand the other’s person’s view. This does not mean that you will agree with that view but understand what they are saying and why without judging whether it’s right or wrong.
  4. Be willing to confess your own wrong doings without excuses and without blaming your spouse.
  5. Focus on the here and now. Realize that the past may impact your assumptions but those assumptions are not based on the present.
  6. Eliminate the following phrases:
    1. “You never…”
    2. “You always…”
    3. “I can’t…” (instead you “I won’t” so that you are taking responsibility for your choice
    4. “I’ll try…” (this usually means that you are giving yourself an out and often involves a half-hearted commitment to doing something)
    5. “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…” (these are commands to change someone else and are often see as more of a parent-to-child type of statement)
  7. Use “I” statements as much as possible.
  8. Remember that the goal is resolution and a better understanding of each other. As a married couple you are working on your oneness.
  9. Value each other. (Read Proverbs 11:12)
  10. Clarify each other’s statements as much as possible to make sure you hear your spouse correctly.

Ground Rules to Discuss and Agree Upon Ahead of Time:

  1. How will we each deal with a need to stop an argument for addition time and space to regain self-control?
  2. How will we deal with an argument that needs to be put off to a later time due to time constraint? (For example, we need to leave to be someplace on time.)
  3. How will we deal with an argument that needs to be put off to a later time due to being in public?
  4. How will we deal with an argument when others are present? (For example, the kids are in the room. Will we ask the kids to leave the room or put the argument off to a later time?)

 

 

 

Response to “…Cause of Addiction…”

Recently a friend of mine asked for my thoughts about a Huffington Post blog post making its rounds on Facebook about the real cause of addiction being found.  I’ve decided to share my thoughts with all of you but with this disclaimer: I have not reviewed all of the research that is referenced in Johann Hari’s book that he is advertising with the blog post.

  1. Remember this is a blog post and a guy selling his book and speaking/training seminars.
  2. This is not new information. In other words, this concept and others have and will continue to researched as the intricacies of nature vs. nurture continue to be examined.
  3. There are still those that use despite the “better environment” so maybe addiction has many “causes”.
  4. Comparison of diamorphine to heroin is intellectual dishonesty. Although the same base, one is much more controlled than the other, intake is often different, and environment of distribution and use is often different.  Any potentially addictive drug can trigger an unhealthy response in certain people. This is the complexity of how our brain is impacted by both biology and environmental factors. Furthermore, people who take it correctly and are weaned off (if taken for a long time) are less likely to become addicted because they are not getting the “high” from taking more than prescribed etc.  When someone has legitimate pain then pain killers in moderation relieve the pain but when there is no physical pain the body may react differently.
  5. To say that “it virtually never happens” is not research based fact. Anecdotally, I have counseled people who started due to a legitimate pain need. So I would argue that it does happen.
  6. Certainly people who have better social supports respond better – whether that is less likely to become an addict or better recovery outcomes. In my opinion this speaks volumes for the need for real Biblical community.
  7. The deductive logic used regarding cigarettes and nicotine is not experiential evidence that reveals cause and effect. So his statement that drugs only drive 17.7% of addiction is erroneous at best.  No researcher will say what percentage is related to the actual drug verses other factors. Again, the issue is far more complex than he asserts.
  8. My opinion is that addiction is both a sin issue and a biological issue.
  9. Now I do agree with some of his points regarding the need to look at how addicts are treated. This is why more programs continue to be developed to help with justice system’s interaction with addicts.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.