Let Go or Redeem?

Sometimes when a client has negative thoughts and emotions aimed at an individual in their life, therapists will have the person write a letter to that individual. Often this is done not with the intent of sending the letter to the other person but rather as a way of expressing their thoughts and feelings and then destroying the letter. Sometimes the letter is burned or shredded and symbolizes the “letting go” of those negative thoughts and emotions. This is certainly not a new technique and can be useful when the targeted person has passed away or there is no benefit seen in confronting the person. It is helpful in the later when the client is coming to terms with the fact that they cannot change the other person or there is not a healthy way to facilitate the confrontation. Letting go of those negative emotions and thoughts can provide relief for the individual and can be a powerful symbolic representation.

However, there is another aspect that is may be overlooked in this process: allowing God to redeem those thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Scripture points to God redeeming our life. God wants to redeem our story so that our life brings glory to Him. By letting go of our negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences without giving God the opportunity to redeem our story, falls short of the best of what God wants for our clients.

So here’s what we do. Have the person write the letter or their story but before destroying it, symbolizing letting go, go through it with the person asking how can God redeem this part of their story. By going through the letter in this way, the client gets the opportunity to explore the lessons learned about God, His purpose, His strength, how He provided perseverance, forgiveness, restoration, peace and many many more ways that God may redeem their story. Once this process has been done then go through the process of “letting go” but instead of just letting go of the whole story they are letting go of the negative aspects while still seeing God’s redemptive story in their life.

Obviously the client will need the wise counsel of their therapist to help process through and learn to see things from God’s perspective rather than only looking at their story from their own woundedness.

Feel free to let us know your thoughts about this and how you may use it in your practice. Here’s some verses to look at (although there are many more that point to God redeeming our lives):

Psalm 103: 1-5

Psalm 107: 1-3

Psalm 119: 153-154

Lamentations 3: 58

 

Emotions

Having trouble controlling your emotions?  Don’t worry it’s more common than you think.  Take some time to evaluate what you believe and think about situations.  This may help you gain a different perspective.  Check this out:

 

EVENT===> BELIEFS ===> THOUGHTS ===> FEELINGS ===> ACTIONS

Two Definitions:

Subjective Opinion

Something must be wrong because he did not answer his phone.

Objective Reality

He did not answer his phone. I do not know why.

 

How emotion is created:

  1. An external event happens
  2. We develop perceptions about the event based on our beliefs:
    1. How we see the world (Our Worldview)
      1. Where did we come from?
      2. What has gone wrong with the world?
      3. What is the solution?
  3. We have thoughts based on the beliefs about the event.
  4. We feel emotion based on the thoughts we have.
  5. We behave – some action or response on our part.

Example 1a:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. People should be nice
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “That person is a jerk!”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Anger
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Yelling at the other driver

Example 1b:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. People should be nice
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “We could have crashed!”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Fear
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Crying

Example 1c:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. We live in a sinful world. People are sinful.
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “I hope they had a reason for being in a hurry.”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Calm
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Continue driving

Notice that there are hundreds of possible variations to this scenario.  All of these variations center around beliefs and thoughts.  The key is to examine your beliefs and thoughts about objective reality.  The New Living Translation 1 Corinthians 13:12 reads: “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” Remember that we do not see things well and we must examine our perceptions about reality.

Serenity Prayer – Full Length

Many people have heard of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

But did you know that is only part of it? The full version is:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

The reality is that life is not about us and our circumstances.  It is all about Jesus; who he is and what he did!  The world is not what we want it to be because of our sinful nature.  We have to accept that nothing will change the heart other than Jesus.

 

 

Resolving Marital Conflict

argument-238529_640Married couples fight.  The real question is how well do you argue? Not, can you win the argument but rather how well do the two of you resolve your arguments?  This is a common question and often a problem area for many couples.  So here are some tips:

 

The following are some general guidelines to keep in mind:

  1. You are a sinner.
    1. This means that you bring assumptions and viewpoints into the conflict.
    2. This means that you struggle to see things clearly. (Read 1 Corinthians 13:12)
  2. You married a sinner.
    1. They bring the same things above to the conflict.
  3. Try to empathetic.
    1. This means making an attempt to understand the other’s person’s view. This does not mean that you will agree with that view but understand what they are saying and why without judging whether it’s right or wrong.
  4. Be willing to confess your own wrong doings without excuses and without blaming your spouse.
  5. Focus on the here and now. Realize that the past may impact your assumptions but those assumptions are not based on the present.
  6. Eliminate the following phrases:
    1. “You never…”
    2. “You always…”
    3. “I can’t…” (instead you “I won’t” so that you are taking responsibility for your choice
    4. “I’ll try…” (this usually means that you are giving yourself an out and often involves a half-hearted commitment to doing something)
    5. “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…” (these are commands to change someone else and are often see as more of a parent-to-child type of statement)
  7. Use “I” statements as much as possible.
  8. Remember that the goal is resolution and a better understanding of each other. As a married couple you are working on your oneness.
  9. Value each other. (Read Proverbs 11:12)
  10. Clarify each other’s statements as much as possible to make sure you hear your spouse correctly.

Ground Rules to Discuss and Agree Upon Ahead of Time:

  1. How will we each deal with a need to stop an argument for addition time and space to regain self-control?
  2. How will we deal with an argument that needs to be put off to a later time due to time constraint? (For example, we need to leave to be someplace on time.)
  3. How will we deal with an argument that needs to be put off to a later time due to being in public?
  4. How will we deal with an argument when others are present? (For example, the kids are in the room. Will we ask the kids to leave the room or put the argument off to a later time?)

 

 

 

Response to “…Cause of Addiction…”

Recently a friend of mine asked for my thoughts about a Huffington Post blog post making its rounds on Facebook about the real cause of addiction being found.  I’ve decided to share my thoughts with all of you but with this disclaimer: I have not reviewed all of the research that is referenced in Johann Hari’s book that he is advertising with the blog post.

  1. Remember this is a blog post and a guy selling his book and speaking/training seminars.
  2. This is not new information. In other words, this concept and others have and will continue to researched as the intricacies of nature vs. nurture continue to be examined.
  3. There are still those that use despite the “better environment” so maybe addiction has many “causes”.
  4. Comparison of diamorphine to heroin is intellectual dishonesty. Although the same base, one is much more controlled than the other, intake is often different, and environment of distribution and use is often different.  Any potentially addictive drug can trigger an unhealthy response in certain people. This is the complexity of how our brain is impacted by both biology and environmental factors. Furthermore, people who take it correctly and are weaned off (if taken for a long time) are less likely to become addicted because they are not getting the “high” from taking more than prescribed etc.  When someone has legitimate pain then pain killers in moderation relieve the pain but when there is no physical pain the body may react differently.
  5. To say that “it virtually never happens” is not research based fact. Anecdotally, I have counseled people who started due to a legitimate pain need. So I would argue that it does happen.
  6. Certainly people who have better social supports respond better – whether that is less likely to become an addict or better recovery outcomes. In my opinion this speaks volumes for the need for real Biblical community.
  7. The deductive logic used regarding cigarettes and nicotine is not experiential evidence that reveals cause and effect. So his statement that drugs only drive 17.7% of addiction is erroneous at best.  No researcher will say what percentage is related to the actual drug verses other factors. Again, the issue is far more complex than he asserts.
  8. My opinion is that addiction is both a sin issue and a biological issue.
  9. Now I do agree with some of his points regarding the need to look at how addicts are treated. This is why more programs continue to be developed to help with justice system’s interaction with addicts.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

Interview and Story from Local TV Station about Divorce Month

Mark Baldwin was interviewed as part of a story by local TV station, WBBJ, for their story about January being the month when the most divorce filings occur.

“Baldwin said to avoid going to the divorce attorneys use the new year to make a new marriage.

“They can reconcile. They can begin to make a new commitment to make individual changes and changes as a couple,” said Baldwin.”

–  from article National Divorce Month by Tiffany Neely

Look Back and Move Forward

As you evaluate the past year and prepare for the New Year, remember these tips:

  1. You can’t change the past. You can learn from 2014 by taking an honest look at the year. If repentance is needed, then repent. If forgiveness needs to be given, then forgive.  If rejoicing needs to happen, then rejoice. However, do not beat yourself up over what can not be changed.
  2. Set smart goals. Take what you learned from 2014 and apply those lessons to your goals for 2015. Make sure the goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-specific.
  3. Evaluate your habits. As you plan goals for 2015, remember that healthy habits will help accomplish those goals and set the stage for new goals. Healthy habits lead to healthy lifestyle.
  4. Time management is not possible. You can not manage time but you can manage your own behavior.  Plan to use your time wisely.
  5. Finally, base all of these on beliefs grounded in truth. Make sure that your beliefs are based on truth or all else you do will be skewed, including the new goals you set. Your thoughts, feelings, and behavior are all driven by your  worldview (your beliefs).

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

Christmas Holiday Stress?

Christmas holiday stress

For many, this is a time of year is filled with a mixture of emotions, including lots of stress.  Here are four quick tips to help you with Christmas holiday stress:

Purpose
Remember the reason for the holiday.  Remember the true purpose of celebrating at this time of year.  Keeping focused on the birth of Jesus helps to put everything in perspective.  Also, think about the purpose behind other traditions that you may have.  As you get together with people, even negative or dysfunctional people, remember why you are spending time together.  Focusing on the purpose will help keep a positive light on the situation regardless of what other people are doing or saying.

Power
Don’t give others power over your thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Remember that you alone are responsible for how you choose to behave in any given situation. Just because some says something that sounds like a guilt trip does not mean that you have to go on that ride.  Do not take responsibility for other people’s behaviors. Just like others cannot control your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, you do not have that kind of control over others. Taking responsibility for things you cannot control creates stress.

Give
Giving allows you to focus on the needs of others rather than your own needs. It helps us to become less selfish. Remember that giving financially is only one small way to give. Volunteer somewhere, have someone over for dinner, give a note of encouragement, or give away something that you have that someone else needs. Do all of these things or one of the things but in some way give! Regardless of your situation you have something you can give to someone else. This helps refocus our attention on others and away from our own problems.

Relax
Find ways to relax.  You do not have to be apologetic about taking time to take care of yourself but do this in a way that is not demeaning to others and does not become selfish.  In other words, balance this with giving. For example when you decide to take some time to exercise, do not make a big deal out of it like “I’m going to exercise while the rest of you people lay around” but tell people you are going to try to stay on some routine and you’ll be back as soon as you can. If appropriate, ask others to join you. For some this may be more stressful and so be ok with taking some time by yourself. Again, balance this with not using your relaxation as an excuse to isolate yourself during the Christmas holiday.  Other options like meditating on scripture and getting enough sleep can help you relax and reduce stress.christmas_joy, christmas holiday stress

 

Find joy this Christmas by keeping your heart, mind, soul, and body focused on Him.

Cloudy Vision? Check Your Perceptions.

A lot of times when we need help and talk to a wise friend what we learn is the result of the other person being able to see us and the situation from a different perspective.  This is what is called “reframing” the situation.  The best way to reframe any situation is discover the truth about ourselves and whatever we are going through.  Here are some signs that your perception is cloudy:

 

1.  “Everyone else is wrong”
This usually happens suddenly and we do not realize this is what we are thinking.  This usually comes out when we have discussed the issue or situation with several people and suddenly realize that they are all saying the same thing.  When we hear this and start thinking, “Well they just don’t get it” and the “they” are several trustworthy people then our perception just might be a little cloudy.  This type of thinking gets us into trouble because it means that we are totally dependent upon our own perceptions and senses, which are easily deceived. If you’re not sure how easily you are deceived then take a few minutes to watch any card trick or look up images about perceptions.

 

2.  You keep doing same thing but it still isn’t working
You may have heard the saying about the definition of insanity – “doing things over and over and expecting a different result” – but you may have taken for granted how often we do this. Any history buff could probably walk you through the scenarios of people and even countries repeating the same mistakes. The reality is that sometimes us humans aren’t too bright.  We repeat mistakes. However, I think that this is primarily due to our lack of proper perspective. Our perception of ourselves and the world around us is very skewed. We rely upon our own senses and a belief that we can see things clearly rather than seeking a help with our perceptions outside of ourselves.

 

3.  You’re breathing
Seriously! This is a human problem not a problem with you as an individual.  If anyone thinks their perceptions are perfect then they have been horribly deceived. This is also not a new problem. Look at Genesis 3 and you will see how easily deception occurs. Deception is simply the idea that another person or situation makes one believe something that is not true. This usually happens when we are looking to the wrong place to find the truth. This brings us to the last point.clo

 

4.  It doesn’t line up with Scripture
This sounds like a simple answer but first you need to know what scripture says. So if you are not reading it then you will have difficulty comparing life to it. Also many people have taken things out of context so as you compare your life situations to the Word of God be sure to read in context and discuss with other trustworthy believers.

 

Keeping cloudy vision under control is a difficult and constant battle.  We have to work at it because our fleshly tendency is to trust ourselves. Trusting self above all else is a dangerous way to live life. Keep up the hard work and check your perceptions often.