Emotions

Having trouble controlling your emotions?  Don’t worry it’s more common than you think.  Take some time to evaluate what you believe and think about situations.  This may help you gain a different perspective.  Check this out:

 

EVENT===> BELIEFS ===> THOUGHTS ===> FEELINGS ===> ACTIONS

Two Definitions:

Subjective Opinion

Something must be wrong because he did not answer his phone.

Objective Reality

He did not answer his phone. I do not know why.

 

How emotion is created:

  1. An external event happens
  2. We develop perceptions about the event based on our beliefs:
    1. How we see the world (Our Worldview)
      1. Where did we come from?
      2. What has gone wrong with the world?
      3. What is the solution?
  3. We have thoughts based on the beliefs about the event.
  4. We feel emotion based on the thoughts we have.
  5. We behave – some action or response on our part.

Example 1a:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. People should be nice
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “That person is a jerk!”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Anger
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Yelling at the other driver

Example 1b:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. People should be nice
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “We could have crashed!”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Fear
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Crying

Example 1c:

  1. The external event:
    1. Someone cuts you off (pulls in front of you) while driving
  2. Your belief:
    1. We live in a sinful world. People are sinful.
  3. Your thoughts:
    1. “I hope they had a reason for being in a hurry.”
  4. Your emotion:
    1. Calm
  5. Your behavior:
    1. Continue driving

Notice that there are hundreds of possible variations to this scenario.  All of these variations center around beliefs and thoughts.  The key is to examine your beliefs and thoughts about objective reality.  The New Living Translation 1 Corinthians 13:12 reads: “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” Remember that we do not see things well and we must examine our perceptions about reality.

Serenity Prayer – Full Length

Many people have heard of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

But did you know that is only part of it? The full version is:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

The reality is that life is not about us and our circumstances.  It is all about Jesus; who he is and what he did!  The world is not what we want it to be because of our sinful nature.  We have to accept that nothing will change the heart other than Jesus.

 

 

Resolving Marital Conflict

argument-238529_640Married couples fight.  The real question is how well do you argue? Not, can you win the argument but rather how well do the two of you resolve your arguments?  This is a common question and often a problem area for many couples.  So here are some tips:

 

The following are some general guidelines to keep in mind:

  1. You are a sinner.
    1. This means that you bring assumptions and viewpoints into the conflict.
    2. This means that you struggle to see things clearly. (Read 1 Corinthians 13:12)
  2. You married a sinner.
    1. They bring the same things above to the conflict.
  3. Try to empathetic.
    1. This means making an attempt to understand the other’s person’s view. This does not mean that you will agree with that view but understand what they are saying and why without judging whether it’s right or wrong.
  4. Be willing to confess your own wrong doings without excuses and without blaming your spouse.
  5. Focus on the here and now. Realize that the past may impact your assumptions but those assumptions are not based on the present.
  6. Eliminate the following phrases:
    1. “You never…”
    2. “You always…”
    3. “I can’t…” (instead you “I won’t” so that you are taking responsibility for your choice
    4. “I’ll try…” (this usually means that you are giving yourself an out and often involves a half-hearted commitment to doing something)
    5. “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…” (these are commands to change someone else and are often see as more of a parent-to-child type of statement)
  7. Use “I” statements as much as possible.
  8. Remember that the goal is resolution and a better understanding of each other. As a married couple you are working on your oneness.
  9. Value each other. (Read Proverbs 11:12)
  10. Clarify each other’s statements as much as possible to make sure you hear your spouse correctly.

Ground Rules to Discuss and Agree Upon Ahead of Time:

  1. How will we each deal with a need to stop an argument for addition time and space to regain self-control?
  2. How will we deal with an argument that needs to be put off to a later time due to time constraint? (For example, we need to leave to be someplace on time.)
  3. How will we deal with an argument that needs to be put off to a later time due to being in public?
  4. How will we deal with an argument when others are present? (For example, the kids are in the room. Will we ask the kids to leave the room or put the argument off to a later time?)

 

 

 

Response to “…Cause of Addiction…”

Recently a friend of mine asked for my thoughts about a Huffington Post blog post making its rounds on Facebook about the real cause of addiction being found.  I’ve decided to share my thoughts with all of you but with this disclaimer: I have not reviewed all of the research that is referenced in Johann Hari’s book that he is advertising with the blog post.

  1. Remember this is a blog post and a guy selling his book and speaking/training seminars.
  2. This is not new information. In other words, this concept and others have and will continue to researched as the intricacies of nature vs. nurture continue to be examined.
  3. There are still those that use despite the “better environment” so maybe addiction has many “causes”.
  4. Comparison of diamorphine to heroin is intellectual dishonesty. Although the same base, one is much more controlled than the other, intake is often different, and environment of distribution and use is often different.  Any potentially addictive drug can trigger an unhealthy response in certain people. This is the complexity of how our brain is impacted by both biology and environmental factors. Furthermore, people who take it correctly and are weaned off (if taken for a long time) are less likely to become addicted because they are not getting the “high” from taking more than prescribed etc.  When someone has legitimate pain then pain killers in moderation relieve the pain but when there is no physical pain the body may react differently.
  5. To say that “it virtually never happens” is not research based fact. Anecdotally, I have counseled people who started due to a legitimate pain need. So I would argue that it does happen.
  6. Certainly people who have better social supports respond better – whether that is less likely to become an addict or better recovery outcomes. In my opinion this speaks volumes for the need for real Biblical community.
  7. The deductive logic used regarding cigarettes and nicotine is not experiential evidence that reveals cause and effect. So his statement that drugs only drive 17.7% of addiction is erroneous at best.  No researcher will say what percentage is related to the actual drug verses other factors. Again, the issue is far more complex than he asserts.
  8. My opinion is that addiction is both a sin issue and a biological issue.
  9. Now I do agree with some of his points regarding the need to look at how addicts are treated. This is why more programs continue to be developed to help with justice system’s interaction with addicts.

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

Interview and Story from Local TV Station about Divorce Month

Mark Baldwin was interviewed as part of a story by local TV station, WBBJ, for their story about January being the month when the most divorce filings occur.

“Baldwin said to avoid going to the divorce attorneys use the new year to make a new marriage.

“They can reconcile. They can begin to make a new commitment to make individual changes and changes as a couple,” said Baldwin.”

–  from article National Divorce Month by Tiffany Neely